?

My back against the wind
Face from the grey
Standing alone
The world just a call away
Stroke on dark chocolate bown hair
The tears in corner of left eye
Pain in parts of body
Damn this human-ness of me
Feeling
Not mine
Lost

That was my day today

When all the clouds are gone...

This is insane!! insane, insane, insane.
For the first time in a long time I can not claim confusion to reign me. Quite the opposite. Im clear in my head, I know what I want, what I need and stuff. And I dont like it.

Yesterday evening was spent with dude, beer, videogames and a movie. Mix in a couple of cigarettes, laughs and stuff and you got the whole picture.

Today was spent on a theater with dude and friend. And a coke afterwards at a local bar. The play was really good and different. The companions and me were all very tired.

It all should be so perfect and yet it is all so... clean?

I dont know if my feelings are enough.

I just feel like crying.

my new fabulous boots!! 

feeling like an artobject..

You know theres something wrong with your appearence when even the freak on the bus thinks you're freakish.
I wonder what it was that gave me all those gazes?
My pants with giant holes in them?
The skin just leaving my face due to the cold & wet weather we are having?
The thousands of bags with stuff in my hands?
My 6 year old sneakers that actually have no shape no more?
My 5 year old jacket that really doesnt go with anything else?
My hair going in all different directions, leaving me looking like a misshaped medusa?
The mascara under my eyes (it was raining..)?
Anyways. I smiled at the staring people. They didn't smile back. Quelle suprise.

And then they come, those moments of clarity.

Talking with one of your closest and suddenly you realize what it is that is wrong.
She is one of the people that the world would be sooo much poorer without.
And one of those I would almost certainly be lost without.
The beauty is that she feels the same way.
I really dont believe I could ever trust to need someone that would not need me.


Anywhoo, what we talked about will stay between us.
But there were this iceclear and a little cold realizations.
And I know I have changed. Looking back only a couple of months I see that I'm not the same person anymore.
More confident, yes. I've chosen to cut out some people from my life. Chose to let some others get closer. Chose to leave the mental prison I put myself in years ago, and though I have not left it completely, I have at least found the lock and parts of the key.
Yeah I know, just bullshit in print, the same lines you can read in any selfhelp-"change your thinking"books, but still true.
And do know this, I am more a feeling than a thinking person, despite what you think about me. So thinking right does not always change my life, feeling right almost always does. You really don't have to feel the same way, but you do have to just let me have my own way to deal with things.

As always discussions on life tend to lean in on the subject of love now and then..
I dont know if I can love the same way again.
The way I did before, pure, big, trusting.
And I feel I will always love Him (first love) still.
But it is truly time to move on.

I dont know where this new thing is going, but I know that people are stressing me to the point that I just wanna break it off.
And I wont let them do that to me. Whatever way this is going, it is still just between him and me.
Why isn't it "promitted" in this world to actually take things slow??? At first people understood, but hey, now its gone a month (ONE MONTH, people!!! just one!), shouldn't I call him my boyfriend??? No. And people have the nerve to actually comment on it?

I'm tired of the world stressing me. I can't and won't do as most people want me to. Final. Goodness, I'm in such a need of a drink.

Tired, tired, tired...

Caught a cold, wanna strangle the d*cks (oh no wait, just girls...) well, the c*nts then that I work with and I erased a whole game (dont ask me how, I guess I was sleepwalking or something) that I really, really liked (and someone else too...) and I dont know how to make a more-than-friend relationship work...

How does one do it?
How do you people out there put up with everything?

Im so sad that everyday when I walk out that door I have to meet the people, oh yeah, THE PEOPLE, that seriously think they are openminded and perfect and never makes any mistakes, and complain and blame others and take credit for everything!! Im so sad that they never think what they are doing is actually wrong. Am I the only one?

Only one admitting being weak, doing mistakes, do things my way and hope (not expecting) to get credit from it, not telling if someone else does? Trying my best, and yes, being irritated at people, but at same time understanding that they are all as bad as me? Is this what our years, and years of evolution has taken us to? pettiness? illbehaving? falseness? fear? For those who claim that humans are the highest and most noble lifeform, I dare to say I disagree, even if it maybe just is right now in this moment.

And when I finally try to say something in the nicest possible way, they attack.
Im so tired of it.
Thank God for my lovely friends, You have always been fabulous, you are fantastic and I hope you stay that way. Thank you.

And I know I've been blogging about this before, but it just gets to me.

I think I had some sunnier news, but in the middle of all this rain, I can't remember, and actually; who cares?

new items..

Girls, would you like one of these? I, myself, found the whole idea somewhat creepy. I think I would prefer the real thing...

Im all over it, beer..

Im sorry Ebi, had to write that one also.

Im not quite sure what to post? What do you want to know? Things happen and happen and happen and these days I havent been able to force myself to write about them.
Im panicking (spelling??) here. Ive met someone... but I am so very truly afraid of those kinds of relationships with people.. And Im not really ready to talk about it. (Kara you are getting a letter though!)
Yesterday was a horrible day. Had a meeting with the second highest boss, and dear lord, do I love when people blame their mistakes and shit on me. Hallelujah, how do you live with yourselfs???
I dont know, dont wanna ever be a boss if I start acting that way. Never.
Aargh. Now Im leaving the subject, starting to get angry again.

Im low once again, why I really dont know..
Its the old restlessness from about three years back that is hunting me once more.
The only time I do feel ease is while dancing. Since not being a natural talent, I have to concentrate and not think about anything else, and believe me, not thinking is good sometimes...

btw: anyone seen our milkfoamer? Its mysteriously disappeared.. And I need it to get my humangous cups of chai!!!!

no new posts in sight...

... im sorry. I really havent had any time to write. im sorry. the little time im home, I play. Quality time with my cute purple little gamecube.
but now Im gonna sleeep.
nighty night