Its been ages

I've not written anything here in a couple of years, maybe thats why I have the courage to do it now. I hardly think I have any readers left.
I'm scared. I've never felt this bad before. I'm aching in to pieces, and can't concentrate on anything, yet if I sit still my heart pounds and I think I'm going to die. This anxiety is slowly killing me. I think I'm losing the one I love. I can't bare the thought. It's too much. I just cry and cry and cry. I talk to him and he sounds like a stranger. As soon as we hang up I pick up the phone again to call my boy and hear him say that he loves me, then I realize it was him I was talking to. I miss him... how can this be? How can one live on? I don't know how to do it.. I don't know what to do.. It feels like I'm just loosing everything... everything...